Something to let out
I’ve been feeling down recently, and I NEED TO GET THIS OFF MY MIND. It’s been troubling me for weeks. I should write it out since I finally have the time. (although its reading week and I am supposed to be studying for my final paper 😆)
As I reach the end of my final semester in University, I do not experience the happiness and excitement that I yearned for. Even with a great job offer on hand, amidst a bad job market, I should feel appreciative and blessed, but I do not. Why? I shall look back to everything that has happened since embarking on my University journey, and perhaps I can find an answer.
2019–2020
Back in 2019 before I enrolled, I foresee myself joining clubs, finding people with similar interests and just having fun in University. However, it was nothing compared to what I envisioned. I struggled so hard in my freshman year, and even considered transferring to another course after my 1st semester. I decided to hang on and give it another shot, because I was dead set to be a Software Engineer, and I really wanted to learn more about Computer Science. A part of me also did not want to just give everything up since it was so difficult to get into my desired course of study.
I made the right choice. It did not get easier, but I managed to adapt. I got used to the difficulty and workload, getting by in future semesters. However, it felt like I sacrificed so much for this. I gave up my videography hobby simply because I had no time. I even neglected my friends who were staying in the same residence as me just so that I can study in my room.
The school holidays was the only time for me to work on portfolio in hopes of securing a good internship. It killed off my interest in everything else.
2020–2021
COVID-19 pandemic happened. We went into lock down, and surprisingly I went through it well. Maybe it was because of my introverted nature, I actually enjoyed staying indoors most of the time. 💩
Year 2 came. It was internship application season. It was not easy, I thought I was ready but I was set straight by my interviewers. I did not know enough, and I left interviews feeling embarrassed and disappointed. Fortunately, I managed to land a great internship with Visa. But I told myself, I am going to be better by the time the next internship application season opens. I didn’t want to experience the same embarrassment and disappointment I felt before.
While I was interning, I explored web development and worked on my personal website after working hours, just so that I can improve on my technical skills. By the time my internship ended and school started, I was burnt out. I learnt so much, it was an accomplishment. I definitely became a better developer, and the skills I gained actually helped me tremendously in my subsequent Software Engineering classes.
Soon enough, the internship application for the next summer started opening. I realised I’ve spent too much time focusing on learning development skills and naturally, I couldn’t even pass the coding assessments for the big tech companies. 🥲
2021–2022
I learnt my lesson and spent my entire December holidays grinding LeetCode and learning Data Structures & Algorithms from scratch as I acknowledged that my foundation was really bad. I continued coding 1–2 months into Year 3 Semester 2. Feeling confident, I applied to TikTok for summer internship, in hopes of breaking into Mobile Development, as it was my career goal. I made it to the Final Round of interview but failed at the end. Although I received the rejection soon after, I noticed that I was making progress. To be fair, I was always bad with recursion so it definitely felt great to be able to solve a recursive problem during the interview. It was enlightening, and it motivated me to work even harder. I was so close to getting the offer. As I didn’t get the offer from TikTok, I decided to return to my previous internship company to continue with the grind and apply again for fresh graduate positions in the next few months.
The moment I have been waiting for
I practiced DSA on and off during my 3 months internship, and did a full on practice everyday allocating hours each day, in the months of August & September. This was it, it is the time I’ve been waiting for all this while. I am prepared. Once companies started opening their job positions, I started applying. It was also at this time where companies started announcing hiring freeze.
Things didn’t go in my favour. All my practice did not pay off. I failed most of the coding assessments that the companies gave. For the ones which I passed, I didn’t hear back at all. I was even told one of them got into a hiring freeze after passing the coding assessment. What I’ve gone through still wasn’t able to prepare me to date. I was crushed and extremely frustrated. On the other hand, Twitter, my dream company just got acquired, laid off its employees and did not have any job openings. I was so disappointed in myself and also the market for behaving in such a manner although I know that it can’t be controlled.
I was fortunate enough to receive the return offer for full time conversion from my internship. The compensation was decent, but still, I felt like I could have landed something bigger. Especially with so much preparation and thought over the past year... What made it worse was that I know people passing interview rounds even though they didn’t prepared as much as me, and here I am. 🤡
What Happened?
I realised: I placed too high expectations on myself. I tried to attain goals beyond what I can currently achieve. I became greedy especially after seeing my peers landing great job offers. I compare myself to others too much. I did not prepare correctly. Things don’t always go as planned.
It sucks, it really do. I beat myself up over the past few weeks. It’s difficult to have a positive mindset after everything that happened, but I am trying. I’ve given everything I had the past 3.5 years and it took a huge toll on my mental and physical health.
Next Steps
It is not the end. I will come back stronger, and better. 💪🏻
I signed my return offer to start on 28th February 2023.
For now, it is time for me catch a breather. I deserve it. I have almost 3 months till I start working. Until then, I might go travel now that the world has finally opened up. Sleep. Get back into shape. And of course, playing more to make up for everything that I lost in the past 3.5 years. I am thinking of getting back to videography as well, but its expensive so we’ll see about that. 😆
I would love to read more books on Software Engineering with all the free time that I have now.
In 2023, I will embark on my journey to learn Mobile Development, work on some side projects and also interview preparations for when the job market recovers.
And maybe write some more Medium articles? 🙂
Phew, I feel much better now. Time for a good rest and to start studying for my final paper!
Interested in learning more about me? Check out the following!
My Portfolio site: https://marcusleeeugene.github.io/
